DEA stands for Fuck This Guys Shit UP

To any of you who actually read my blog, you know that this blog is like my online journal - just without the awkward stories of my curious summer camp moments. Not that I've had any... No really when I die, don't put that on my wiki page.

Now one thing I can say is that I am a good kid; Just thrust into bad moments. One bad moment in particular I can think of right off the bat is when the Maine DEA kicked in my door to arrest my roommate and her friends.

Now you might be wondering "So you don't sell anymore?" Well, just not on Ohio Stree-.. OH wait, I never sold before what are you talking about? The only question I'll answer is 'what the fuck?' and the fuck I'll tell you what.

Lets jump back two months. My best roommate in the history of roommates was a friend of mine named Mike. Mike was bad history free, hard working, and an amazing student to my lifestyle.

Mike was going into the Marines within the month of May, so I needed to find a roommate FAST. Naturally I started by asking other friends, getting shot down left and right mostly due to plans they have already put into motion. After about 15-20 days of being S.O.L on all attempts, I succumbed and put an ad on Craigslist (The infamous insta-rape site).

Now, I always harp on Craigslist but in this story, they were just the template. I had created an ad in the hopes of trying to find anyone even remotely normal to fill in the room. Turns out anyone looking for a room is just as last minute, in a rush, and not picky as I was.

So I put the ad up and commenced wading through the tens of tens of e-mails. I had e-mails ranging from 'I'm handicap', 'just one baby', 'penis enlargement'. So naturally, I had given up searching online and pursued using FB with the craigslist ad as a reference.

My good friend Tewphat texted me soon after telling me about this girl Niki who would love to come by and take a look. So of course, an attractive girl wanting to look at my place and wanna live with me? FUCK YES. So of course I accepted.

Then I meet her, COMPLETELY normal. With that being said I am actually really 420 friendly. Don't like doing it (Wooo a drug that makes you wanna nap and eat, I'm sorry I was a 15 year old teenage male once. Don't need a drug reminding what growing up was like, as far as women doing it - get a fucking sex change, you can live the "high".), but I tolerate others liking of it.

So after a little flip flopping from her she finally moves in, and everything is GREAT. Even her BF was respectful. Now, something you should know about her boyfriend.

#1: He's a very dark skinned man, blacker than most I've seen. (Not saying much since I am from Maine. Making his nickname "Milk" incredibly oxymoronic.

#2: Milk loved to color. He even owned a Spongebob coloring book in which he personally colored me a picture !!!

Everything is going great. Then I get a call from my ex, who just so happens to be my neighbor. Fucked up right? Another story I'll tell you that!

Anyways, my ex Heather starts calling me about how loud they argue and how much pot they smoke, she can smell it coming up into her place. To her credit though, regardless of how big a bitch she is/was/will continue to be, I believed her and offered to talk to Niki about it, but Heather told me not to. Something that became clear to me was Heather constantly complained to me, down right even BLAMED me for some of this but when I asked how she wanted me to handle it she nearly begged me not to confront the problem (not my problems mind you, her problems). So I was stuck.

Lets jump ahead here about a month. *Womp noise*. Now it is April 20th. Thats right folks 420. Day of getting hungry and wondering where the fuck you put the car ke- oh hey chips! I had helped clean up my apartment with Niki and offered to cook the BBQ, the BBQ was the selling point of letting a pot party happen in the apartment.

So I am outside grilling away while they get fucking BAKED inside my place. It's about 5pm now and thats when a weird woman comes just walking up my back porch. I turn to her and ask her some questions.

"Do I know you?"

"No, we haven't met..." Looks through window.

"Do you know anyone inside?" She looks at my hands and sides.

"Possibly..."

At this time hear my door knock. I walk into my place and EVERYONE is dead silent just staring at the door. Jumping back in time about a couple hours, I had warned my roommate that TONS of vehicles had parked themselves outside my place and all their passengers were just sitting there doing random sketchy shit. I had told Niki that I think my place is being watched.

Clearly this story is not a story of "I listened to Brad", so lets continue. I open the door and 5 cops just walk right on in and an officer named Shaun Greene pulls me aside and onto my back porch.

Shaun is now standing in front of me on my back porch. Shaun starts the conversation off.

"Hi, Brad right, you own the lease?"

"Yep."

"Okay let me tell you whats going on and what may happen, a couple years ago Nicole was arrested for transporting a sizable amount of drugs, cocaine and pot, etc." At this point I have to look really surprised, I had known this for about 2 weeks by now, but surprise could save me, and it did. "-So what we know is that you do not do any of this because we've been watching your place for some time, we're going to search your place - BUT we will not search your room."

"Well, alright, you can search my room if you want. I have nothing to hide, but I will warn you, I have two loaded rifles in my room."

"Okay well, I'm going to send in an officer to unload your rifles."

"Go for it, use my room for anything, just don't trash it anymore than it already is."

"Alright."

So now I am standing in the doorway to my room talking to a very sweet older woman who is one of the officers in uniform. She is talking to me about my guns.

"So what do you use the guns for? Hunting? Self defense?"

"I like to go out shooting, shotgun for skeet shooting. But yes I keep them for self defense too, I live in a house full of ladies, unwritten obligation, you know?"

"Oh yes."

After they unloaded my rifles and took an unwarranted eye rape of all my belongings in my room, I moved into the kitchen where they are currently ripping EVERYTHING apart. I'm starting some small talk, asking them what they were doing and offering them some soda. After noticing my boredom they told me I could leave and come back later, all I could think was: Holy fuck no! This is like a fucking episodes of COPS.

I watch my roommate Niki move into the kitchen to grab a drink of water, she is WAY to fucking high for any of this. After she left the kitchen they started the piss testing.

Being a fan of science I took it upon myself to ask everything I can about the cups, and jesus! They told me EVERYTHING. Thats when everyone was arrested.... As Shaun Greene left he turned around and gave me a warning about keeping loaded weapons in my house. My reply to that was: "Of course I keep loaded weapons! I live in a drug neighborhood!" I love pointing out obvious shit.

After they got everyone in the cars I just sat in shock. First I called my ex and told her what happened, then I called my friend Potter. It was a Wednesday which meant bar night with the friends, so I called Potter up to come over early.

"Hey Potter... Hey I was wondering if you wouldn't mind coming over."

"Yeah sure, whats wrong?"

"Well uh, EVERYONE IN MY FUCKING HOUSE JUST GOT ARRESTED!"

"Holy shit, really?.... Brad?"

"YEAH FUCKING REALLY JUST COME OVER!"

So Potter flew all the way to my place, he walked in the door as I was just then picking up all the piss cups and eating the left over food. We shared in laughs and knew, we just HAD to tell everyone at the bar.

Of Mice and Dildo's

A lot has happened since I last posted anything on this page. Break ups, new jobs, lucrative porn career cut short due to a donkey... You know, the norm. Amongst all the random shit-haps though would be my job I had at Barnaby's, a local night club in Bangor Maine.

It was a clear, slightly nipply night in Bangor and I was working till midnight on a Saturday. The club was all set up and getting prepared and was attached to a pretty shitty Ramada Hotel that had a shuttle van that would take people all through-out Bangor.

I was goofing around in the halls, you know - normal silly-willy business and hooliganazery when the control desk asked if I wouldn't mind shuttling a bachelorette party group around for a bit. Now, two things I had learned about bachelorette party's prior to this request:

1) I am nearly irresistible to the middle aged woman.

2) Even though it is a group of women, you see a surprisingly uncomfortable amount of penis's.

Sure enough I warm up the van when 5 middle aged women come stumbling down the steps. They walked right by me and straight to the desk to ask where the driver was. The guy behind the counter pointed to me and they stared at me for about :30 seconds. After a while they approached me asking to see my license, which turns out is one of my greatest pet peeves! You see... I have come to terms with my appearance being perpetually 17 years old, but I work within the mutha-fucking night club! And to work in a mutha-fucking night club you have to be mutha-fucking 21 years of age bitch.

I digress though. After thoroughly confirming my age is 21, confirming being 5 middle aged women trying to do basic subtraction with their fingers and taking 12 minutes, I finally herded them into the van and asked where they wanted to go. They ignored my question, instead they spent about 15 minutes trying to give me a nick-name because... Even though I was old enough to be their son they needed a name that properly illustrated their molesting urges.

Now incase you haven't been adding up the time, these ladies have racked up a whopping 30 min (half hour) time limit here. Apparently a half hour for these ladies had bought me the nickname "Sexy driver", wow what the combined female mind can create, it's amazing! Like watching a kitten realize its toy mouse isn't real but then 5 minutes later pounces it as if it were.

So I dropped these ladies off in downtown to let them bar hump the town square.

What I had not known was that the XXX store just up the hill was still open and the ladies had gone there for a bit to grab some party supplies. Party supplies being penis confetti, stickers, and straws. (Revert back to lesson number 2)

I picked them up from downtown and was on my way to bring them back so that they could enjoy the last hour of the club. The ride back consisted of me asking them not to poke my ear with their straws, and praying to god they don't put the stickers on the windows.

I parked the van. I got out first and went to the other side to open the door for them. The door was one of the van doors (The ones that slide to the side). The door had barely been opened more than two feet when *WHAM* something nailed me right on the forehead. It connected HARD but bent a little upon hitting the crown of my skull. Instinctively I reached up and pulled the would-be weapon out of the woman's hand. I didn't even look at it (assuming instead it was a cane for it was 3 feet long and black) and started resting on it like a cane asking the inebriated women to step out of the van while rubbing my head. As they climbed out laughing I unknowingly hit a switch on the handle and the cane began to slightly vibrate and squirm. Looking down I realized I was holding a 3 foot dildo.

The ladies had erupted in laughter.

Thats when I came to the conclusion that this job is no longer for me. 3 weeks later, I quit that job.

Concert

Just last month on February 14th, a couple of my friends and I went down to the Cumberland County Civic Center in Portland to see the Breaking Benjamin - Three Days Grace concert with opening act Flyleaf.

The concert was a surprise to me because for starters it was my birthday, and secondly this was going to be my first ever real concert. I was incredibly skeptical about the whole concert scene. Loud noises, tons of people, and expensive soda wasn’t normally my idea of getting away. Alas, I kept an open mind about it.

Turns out planning a trip to a concert is surprisingly easy, especially if your accompanied by some seasoned concert veterans. The planning consisted of buying the tickets, finding a large enough vehicle through relatives, begging said relatives, buying drinks and food, downloading a map from Google, playing with Google Map Satellites, arguing about the effectiveness of Google Maps, then just relying on personal memories for directions.

Flyleaf took center stage as the opening act for the show. They encouraged excitement from the crowd with their high-energy enthusiasm. Lead singer Lacey, sporting a long gray dress, opened the set with their 2007 hit "Fully Alive". Lacey never fails to keep up the excitement while jumping to the beat of each tune, and swaying her arms up toward the heavens. Bassist Pat Seals and guitarist Sameer Bhattacharya also managed to keep up the hype as they ran up and down the stage, jumping from platform to platform. They played a few hits from their newest album "Memento Mori", which means "Remember You Will Die", relating back to their Christian ideals. Lacey belted out the high pitched whispers in hits from her latest album which include, "Again", "Chasm", and "Beautiful Bride". At one point nearing the end of the show, Lacey complimented the crowd. She described her band as just a bunch of people from Texas who became famous, and that they were no better than anybody else. This stirred booming approval from the crowd as the band concluded their set. They ended with a slow, poetic song called "How he Loves". Despite the band's poor audio quality, they tried to manage a fairly solid sound and performed an awesome show.

Breaking Benjamin took the stage shortly after Flyleaf. The stage set up included a drop down screen in the background. They featured footage from their own videos. They even used cinematic clips from the Xbox game Halo, during which they performed "Blow Me Away". The band did an excellent cover of Aerosmith's "Dream On", during which they paid tribute to musicians who have passed away. Some of these stars included Kurt Cobain, Dimebag Darrell, and of course, Michael Jackson. Frontman Benjamin Burnley took advantage of the screen with his own mobile live cam. He aimed the camera towards the audience and made them scream for t-shirts. The band also surprised the crowd by performing older tunes like "Polyamorous" off the 2002 album Saturate. Ben's talented guitar skills and meaningful lyrics made for a monumental set.

Three Days Grace proved to be the headlining band, opening up their show with one of their latest singles, "Break". They got the crowd wild with their impressive light shows and had excellent timing to the beat of the music with their use of pyrotechnics. Frontman Adam Gontier dressed in his typical white shirt and black vest, entertained the crowd with a Phil Collins cover, "In the Air Tonight". We also got to see a surprising drum solo from the usually shy, Neil Sanderson. The drum set was mounted on a movable turntable so it moved in circles while Sanderson performed. This later proved as the perfect distraction while Adam snuck through the center to perform the Apocalyptica collaboration, "I Don't Care". He sang the tune on an elevated platform conveniently located in the middle of the crowd right in front of the sound booth. The band encouraged the audience to sing with them some of their hit songs like, "I Hate Everything About You" and "Home". Adam addressed the crowd, recalling that this was his third show in Maine and that the band would be nothing without their fans. They concluded the show with “Animal I have Become”.

Even though it was a sold out show, there was a slightly less rambunctious mosh pit than I'm used to witnessing at the Civic Center. Another negative aspect was the audio during Flyleaf where we could barely hear Lacey and her angelic singing. This caused most of the audience to tune out until the brief intermission. We also noticed a significant decrease in the merchandise pricing with Flyleaf than compared to the value pricing of Three Days Grace and Breaking Benjamin's broad selection of t-shirts, hoodies, and panties. On a lighter note, I found it humorous that the artists specifically requested that all water be sold in cups rather than bottles to avoid being pummeled by the rowdy audience.

Update

YEAAAAAAAH

This baby is gunna be an amazing frat boy

I was wondering why no-one applied