Web Episodes soon!!!

Yes folks it is true! Webisodes of The Epicness That Is Me will be airing soon, so stay tuned and follow. I apologize for no recent articles, these videos take a lot of planning.

What I learned on the school buses...

Growing up I hadn't taken a bus until I was in 5th grade. I was as innocent as they came, so innocent that it actually pissed people off! Then I started riding the school bus.

I was nervous, I sat up front away from the more aggressive kids. I kept to myself and listened to my country CD's in my portable. Oh yes folks, I was badass in all my Garth Brookes Thunder rolls mayhem. I don't care what you say, I was still more badass than Brenden Fraser in the Mummy series...

Anyways, I learned a lot on the bus, and admit it - you did too! I either learned something or did my first act of something on a bus. Not in chronological order, here they are.

1: Learned what a prostitute was.

2: Had my first kiss.

3: Felt my first boob.

4: Learned about condoms.

5: First fight.

6: Learned about ROCK.

7: Saw my first Porn magazine.

8: Learned about Pokemon....

9: Learned about Marijuana.

10: Learned about Alcohol.

11: Learned that Penis jokes can be made ANYWHERE.

12: Learned about different sex positions.

13: Learned about guns.

14: Was told about cars.

Anyways, we have all learned things on the bus. Name something you don't see on the list:

DOUCHE

I'm naming a new Ben and Jerry's tub and its gunna be called "Black and Blue - Megill Splatter"

Dear World,

Dear World and God by extension,

I would like to register a complaint. Recently I have been using your product Life and I noticed some kinks in it. I'm not mad, I love your products like Megan Fox and Genitalia, some of the best stuff out there! But I notice the more I try to get my Life working I fall on some pretty complicated problems.

For example. I work on it a lot but it appears I am not making any money!? Is this because I bought the College expansion? This is the biggest problem for me and most of your consumers. I'm told in the end - that the expansion will pay off in the long run, but it looks like it will take years to download. Also I picked the Bachelor download method, is that a bad choice?

Also I noticed that on the side of the box of Life you wrote a customer service and trouble shooting number, but the calling hours are inconvenient and the instructions for "asking for assistance" are odd. It's either I call you at night, on my knees, beside my bed. OR I show up at a giant communal home on Sundays, full of gossiping women and angry men to attend a seminar where all they do is recite anecdotes and read out of a book. I attended one of these seminars with my problems, and all they told me was that the owner of World co. would fix it if I just wait. But I don't have time.

Complaint number 3: Sorry if I sound rude but... I notice that there are people in power who don't deserve their position. Like my supervisor at work named Kevin, he's a bit of a perverted ass-nugget, and if he suddenly disappears no one will complain. No one. Really. No one.

So if you can just fix my money problem, speed up my success, and make it easier to search for help, it would really help.

Oh and before I forget, please try to keep Brenden Fraser OFF the camera.

Thank you

Brad Jamison

Way to make training suck batman!

LNT TRAINING

The straight mans review of Brokeback Mountain....

Yes my fellow men, I did something atrocious. I, a straight man, watched Brokeback Mountain, and I shall decree! T'is not that bad! Yet not so great....

For people really interested in watching Brokeback Mountain I will warn you: If you didn't like No country for old Men you will not like this.

The movie starts off slow, like pretty much every other cowboy movie - except in this one you know some ones ass is about to get rode like a bull at a rodeo. The cowboys head to the mountains to do some wrangling of sheep, and soon to wrangle wang. During one of the nights of being a cowboy they share a tent do to bad weather.

Heath's character awakens from what appears to be a nightmare and is quickly calmed down by Jake's character through an aggressive grab, that turns into a kiss, then pants come undone, spit, hump, finish, then a denial of being gay... Being how I have little to no knowledge of the homosexual world, this movie was acting as an ambassador to the lifestyle. After seeing this sex scene I have come to one conclusion about homosexual males: To them, there is no such thing as fore-play. Just meet and hump.

Then both characters go back to normal life where they meet and wed women, have kids, and think about each other.

Some years later they meet up and decide to go "fishing" and bar hopping, which you later find out means grabbing each other tackle and literally hopping on each others bars. Heath's characters wife spots these two doing their fighting style kissing fest before they continue onto go fishing.

As a ploy to discover if they are really fishing and not going at it like a Youporn ad, Heath's characters wife write a note on his fishing pole to bring back some fish. On the way out the door he almost forgets his fishing poll, and his wife has to remind him to take it. But as a viewer, you know thats not the rod he wants to play with, he already has his poll, its just not packed yet, you follow?

The movie continues on like this for about another hour.

I won't lie, the movie was not a scary gay film like most straight men think. If you can sit down and watch the Notebook with your girlfriend or date, you can survive seeing this. I saw it and the only reason I didn't like it was because the whole thing wasn't relatable for me. Not gunna call it a "Must see", but it's not an "Avoid at all cost". Any straight man with confidence in sexuality will live!

Alas, I give this movie a rating of Worst Porno Ever.

Heath Ledger spoke like Boomhower from King of the Hill.

Jake Gyllenhaal grew a pedo-stache

You do get to see Anne Hathaway's boobs though..

No real time reference

Decent amount of ass kicking

Explanation could've been needed in some scenes

SURPRISE!!!!

I think these rednecks are onto something.

Just the other day I posted this as my Facebook status:

If you live in the city, and paint your car Urban-camouflage. Can you get lower insurance costs because you have a new high end anti-theft deterrent?

It's a decent argument. In places with high theft rates having a cammo'd up car not only presents itself as Horrifically undesirable, but practically INVISIBLE!! Maybe those rednecks out there with camouflage on their cars are onto something. Should they start saving money on their insurance because their car is camouflaged?

Think about this first though: Do we really wanna give discounts to rednecks? If we let them save another -lets say- 50/75 dollars a month extra on their insurance America would quickly run out of beer, ammo sales would sky rocket to the point of almost $10 a bullet, and the deer population will go extinct.

I can also honestly say, with all the conviction in my heart, that red-necks will go crazy with the cammo and we will see the start of popularity of "theGhillie Vehicle". The ugliest vehicle you will ever see.

Yes, this on a Car

After firmly planting an image of invisible vehicles into your head, which I am happy I made you picture something invisible, you also need to remind yourself that this COULD backfire. With your vehicle being so transparent you would be running the risk of getting into accidents easier. If people can hit other cars that have stalled in the middle of the road at night, you could also hit someone's cammo'd vehicle pulling their house with just as much ease.

So please, think of the campers people are leaving in, don't give cammo discounts to rednecks.

My everyday conversations

Click on it to enlarge

Would YOU hire a Vampire?

A couple days ago I was walking through the mall (First time in about a year) and noticed some very pasty white kids wearing all black, jet black hair, and chains run-a-mok. Oddly enough I noticed that they were all filling out applications to various open jobs. Not jobs like "Hot Topic" or "Goths 'r Us", but like "JC Penny" or "Sears".

Using my limited knowledge into what kids are into, I decided - quite arbitrarily - that these kids were goths. To be even more correct, since the release of Twilight, the correct term would be "VAMPIRE".

I pondered all night about the new fad. I wondered things like: What's so cool about being a blood sucker? Why do you wanna be "prep-evil"? How did vampires get to the mall around 2 in the afternoon? When did vampires start glittering in the sun? and finally: WOULD YOU HIRE A VAMPIRE?

Most of us can attest, night slots pay more, but most businesses interview during the day. Most employers don't hire glittering employees or bowls of ash. If your a vampire, this already presents a huge problem, but not completely unachievable. I just hope you like working at gas stations.

The second point I would like to make is this: I thought the point of selling your soul to the devil was to be FREE at the cost of being a murderer? Why would you need a job if you are a real vampire? Dracula never had to work at the local 7/11 to pay for his mansion. Cause he was a REAL, badass, horrific, vampire.

So I would like to conclude, unless the store sells halloween merchandise or is a Hot Topic you are probably not going to get hired. People don't like your fad, nor do they like you. Vampires aren't real and you

MUST WATCH THE LOST BOYS MOVIE.

If you want to read a story on just how hard it is to be a working class vampire in this blue collar economy click HERE

Hells Yeah Batman, work does suck

He... Broke up with me?

Recently I was asked to do a comedy bit in support of gay marriage. I agreed because of my own personal choice. I had to target my audiences sense of humor, and my audience was the gay community!

So I decided to joke about my ignorance of the homosexual world. One way of joking is imagining, for me, what their break up is like. Even better! I'll write a break-up letter! Or even better! What if my very own male roommate was gay and I didn't even know it!:

"Dear Brad,

Lately, it feels as though you've been riding my ass. It's as if every time I look at you a growing, throbbing tension spreads between us.

Every time I approach you with this issue, you turn your back to me in anticipation. I always thought that we would be more open by now!

What happened to us? One moment we were getting along great, then we moved in with each other and you wanted separate rooms!? You even started locking the bathroom door when you showered! How are you going to get lathered properly without me?

Even with the distance between us, I can feel you PENETRATING my soul. I'm as confused by this as a boy scout in the male locker room. Such good memories. But alas, the memories apparently mean nothing.

When you read this, I'll already be in San Francisco. Enjoy the apartment alone. We are THROUGH!!

Love Berny"

Why do people argue with employees?

This blog isn't the only thing I do to spread my all knowing wisdom. I happen to run some pod-casts online for some of my friends. So on that note:

I recently made a pod-cast about how Gay Marriage should be legal. I mentioned certain issues and arbitrarily mentioned that churches aren't letting their followers find their own path. Not exactly an over-statement considering how I'm from a small town called Hermon which is governed by the local church, the largest building smack dab in the middle.

I had my friend air it (He aired an opposing one to be fair). The website is a very common forum and most of the highschool students in Hermon like to go to it when bored because they can see their once seniors airing their opinions.

One of the highschools students had showed their parents my argument. The parent had apparently seen me around, working at the local grocery store, and decided that he would look for me whenever he was in there to give HIS two cents. Apparently his child had not showed him the other video...

One day I was in Danforths parking lot around 8:00Pm chilling with a co-worker before I was going to hop in my car and leave. A large truck appeared and a disgruntled man hopped out pointing at me. The conversation went something like this:

"You boy, you that atheist on the web? "

"No Sir, I'm Pastafarian" I said with a straight face, I deal with this shit all the time working security, so I was ready.

"Great now your a pot-head"

"Can't prove it!"

"Fuckin, 'splanes why your a fag lover." Legit, this is how he spoke.

"Wo, wo, wo..... Wo, what are you talking about?" I was actually confuse.

"I saw yer web cast, and I thought I'd tell you that gay is wrong!"

"Ok, thats irrational. Did you stalk me?"

"No..."

"Do you have feelings for me?" I was pushing it here, but the person I was chilling with is a GIANT. I was quite safe.

"Listen, I'mma -"

"Ok, I really don't have time for this redneck bullshit. Bye."

"Fuck you I aint no redneck." Illustrating his intelligence so beautifully. "I'll have you know, I live in a two story house and run a puppy mill-"

"I didn't know they stacked double-wides? And don't tell me about you wife's fetishes. Bye."

You can safely assume I spent the night at the giants house. The guy was over-all harmless and didn't make an attempt to follow us.

Applying online, apparently reading a PDF is more convenient than reading paper...

Dear god, looking for a new job is hard. The economy is no longer an excuse though. True people are still being laid-off and people are holding onto their jobs religiously, but there are plenty of low income jobs out there for the younger work-force. Which it baffles me how so many kids/people from my generation do not have jobs: do to either refusal to work, excuses on the economy, or college (the more acceptable excuse).

Businesses aren't making them any easier though. Have you ever tried to apply online? Applying online is the hardest, most pain-staking thing you can do. True, it is convenient that you can go online after working ALL DAY, and just sit down and do applications before you go to bed, but be honest with yourself, you do this so that your spouse/significant other/ or mother will get off your back until you CAN go out and fill out paper applications. At least, that has been the most prominent reason around Maine.

Now I am not bashing a "futuristic" way of filling out applications or submitting resumes, but what ever happened to the all reliable e-mail? Online applications have a habit of freezing, losing files/documents, taking too long, or requiring computer components that some people do not have or can afford. Not only that, but they lack in a way of communication. Online applications are almost, in an abstract way, a poor Public Relations move on some businesses half. No communication almost asserts the belief that the employee is nothing more than a number, slave, a person of un-importance to a company.

This is not some spontaneous rant. Recently I have been looking for a job that pays more than minimal wage. Resort to my first paragraph that I said: (paraphrasing) Low income jobs are more readily available. I understood before hand that finding a better paying job will be hard, even one that pays $9 an hour will be hard to find. But! If Brenden Fraser can keep popping into movies and make money, someone SOMEWHERE will be willing to hire me for a little more money.

I have been trying these online applications, and all I can say is that they are "bull-shit". Simply put (again) these online applications are just filler until you can get out and fill in a paper one.

My advice for anyone looking for a new job: go outside and look, online won't do anything more than show you your facebook updates.

Waitressing sucks

I'm a Vigilante

Thats right folks, I'm a hero.

Recently I was outside work talking to a fellow co-worker and enjoying a cigarello. I'm not a smoker, but he was, and I happened to find cigarellos in my car, I have them for poker nights.

As he was smoking and I was "Smoking", a highschool boy clearly too young to even think of smoking! Approached me and my co-worker. He asked if I would buy him some "Cigs", slang for cigarettes, and handed me 10 dollars. Looking at my co-worker I got an idea and took his money, then headed into the store.

I went inside, bought the most colorful package of Marlboros and walked outside opening the package. I handed the young male his left-over money and pulled a cigarette out and lit it right in front of him..

"Dude, the cigarettes?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh no, I'm not giving em to ya." I said, returning his raised eyebrow.

At this point the young male looked confused and angrily expressed that he was gunna "get me" for making a fool of him.

I, in a very polite fashion said: "Like what? You gunna tell the cops I stole your under-age "cigs", or do you really want your ass beat?" I would never hit a young-en, but I hope the statement would invoke fear in the boy, and it did.

The boy walked away and I was left with some cigarettes. Problem is, I don't "really" smoke.... Did I mention he cried?

Every now and then I meet someone with a substantially smaller IQ than me...

Cashiering, not a horrible job if you do it at an enjoyable place. I have decided to make a vague list of the types of people I meet.

1: The infected: People who are sick and decide to cough themselves to death just to grab some meaningless grocery. #1 Reason employees at any workplace become sick.

2: Slackers: People who don't have a job, don't plan on getting one, and revel in the fact that they are spending a damn good 20% of my check with their EBT cards. They don't eat healthy, usually always smoke, and at times will buy a 70 dollar bottle of liquor with their own money...

3: Business men/women: These people have either never had a minimal wage job, or have and just don't care about their roots. You will almost never be greeted by these assholes, and if you are greeted then relish in it cause god knows how long until your acknowledged again.

4: Mom/Dad and children: My seventh layer of hell, right next to sharing a small room with Brenden Frasier. Everybody has been in a store and had a baby squeal its little head off while the parents don't do anything about it.

5: Idiots: They have only to say one thing and your head will explode while trying to fathom how that person came to such an asinine conclusion. Your lucky if you get the one idiot that keeps their mouth shut and just leers at you until you answer them.

I warn people when I get a thought

Recently at work I have given every employee a warning: Do not introduce me to any attractive female relatives or I WILL use corny pickup lines that WILL work! Beware.

Continuing on with my story. I was talking about this humorous film I wanna produce to a fellow, higher up employee. She offered me her niece as an actor, AFTER I had warned everyone of my "Horn-doggedness".

She gave me her nieces Facebook info and told her I was going to get into touch with her asap about the film. I got onto Facebook earlier that night and started a conversation with said niece, her name being Jessica. I tried to keep myself composed and appropriate, meaning: DON'T HIT ON HER!! Alas Facebook permeated my mind, as many of my readers know: Facebook means that you not only engage the person in conversation - but you also can look at pictures... And pictures I looked.

Lets back track some more, previous to all this Cindy (The employee I warned) had told me that while we were have a "post on wall" war between each other, her niece had seen my profile picture and thought I was quote: "Hotty". So I pretty much already had an in, alas I digress.

She was pretty damn attractive. The story could end there, but where would you realize I am epic.

I started talking about the movie Zombieland and how I got sick from pure laughter. She pronounced that she was dying to see it.

Cleverly I told her that if she needed to see it she should find someone who had already seen it, and nearly got sick from laughter. After locating that person she should ask him/her if they wanted to go see it again. Then she asked me to go see it with her.

Short but purely epic.

Odd names for merchandise