Blizzard did it

Recently the movie Avatar was let free in theaters to run amok and eye rape the masses with 3-D perversion.



Assuming you had seen the movie, then you will understand why I had lost some of my "wow" and "ah" during the film. I am an avid World of Warcraft fan, almost as much as I am a fan of Starcraft.







Hopefully you have finished changing your pants before you continue to read.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Avatar, I love a good sci-fy, I love blue chicks with cat like features.
The 3-D effects were orgasmic, enough explosions to make Michael Bay propose, and an awkward sex scene that gives constant beastiality offenders new hope and loop-holes to deviantly bugger animals.

The whole time I watched Avatar I had a strange feeling I had seen it all before, cause I have. Avatar, the scenery anyways, seemed like a mergence of what I've seen in both WoW and Starcraft. The story seemed to be a mixture of Ferngully and Last Samurai.

Floating mountains? WoW did it.

People Living in a tree? WoW did it.

Humans oppressing new races because of primitive beliefs? WoW did it.

Native race believes in floating pure spirits? WoW did it.

I could go on forever, two separate lists spanning forever.

Over all though the movie is a must see, one of the best. Be fore-warned though, if you play any video games, not everything will be completely impressive.

HELLS YES

I can't believe I work at such an AWESOME place!

Recently I have started working at Radioshack to earn some extra cash for christmas. Now that I work there I have become the "Know-All" about everything Radioshack.

I LOVE WORKING THERE! The people are nice, the competitive sales atmosphere is great, and the discount is worth EVERYTHING.

A couple days ago I was sitting with one of my friends and a Radioshack Christmas commercial came on:



I was both surprised and flabbergasted. The commercial screamed epic! Also! How could you beat this one?



Holy shit! They never stop being awesome!



If I keep watching more I'm gunna piss myself from the pure amazingness that is these commercials. I have never been more happy to be employed.

HEY, good thing I got to you. You need a life update.

Hello folks. I though I'd tell you a little about what it's like to live as/with me on a daily basis. Now it's true that my life would be probably easier than yours, but ever since I've gotten my own apartment I have realized that chores tend to be things that need to get done.

Once again I'd like to say that my life is probably much easier than someone else's. My day consists of:

Waking up

Showering

Getting dressed

brushing my teeth

Grab my keys

Look at the calender (find out where I have to go that day)

Fight a panther

Kill a grizzly with a butter knife

Single handedly find a cure for AIDS...

What? Your day doesn't consist of these activities? YOU mean to tell ME that you don't fight off throngs of Playboy girls (and eerily enough Playboy guys) just to get to your vehicle?

Don't mean to boast but this is all real. Daily basis shit right there.

True, it can't be all that bad if I can get online and make a video or write an article such as this... I still hold to it though, that this coupled with my war on poor actors (Branden Fraser, Sandra Bullock), I get pretty wiped by the end of the day.

I made one decision though that has made my life just a little bit more "spontaneous". I moved in with a pair of party hard women. Just so that you could be more aware of what this is like then please watch the following clip.

CLIP

After watching that you may be thinking: Thats not too bad.

This happens almost 3-4 times a week. Weeks where I try to actually sleep while a spontaneous Olympic level beer pong competition is going on in my kitchen. I have developed a very deep level of sleep.

My good friend Tewphat though is an amazing help though. Not only does he "mediate" levels of random hyper-ness events during parties, he also is a very cool guy and fellow comedian. If you have Facebook you should be his fan.

Now that I have sufficiently stated enough links in here we can move on.

The main point is this:

A couple days ago I was talking to one of my managers at one of my many jobs.

We were talking about how because I have two female roommates, I often come home to multiple women in my apartment who have no interest in me, what-so-ever. I kinda feel like the anti- Hugh Hefner.

The topic turn to the fact that: Not only does this happen! But I've recently learned that bread and eggs should be bought if a need for them is presented, not just buy them to just have them. Because, when you can pull out enough moldy bread that you could start your own penicillin company, then you shouldn't buy mass quantities of it.

At this point in the conversation my boss turns to me and says: "You're a bachelor! all you need is beef ramen and beer... possibly milk or water."

Ha, silly married male, I live with two females. My apartment consists of Oddles and Noodles and Boones Farm in all its multi-colored glory.

Luckily though, I have staved off the debate about having a pink christmas tree.

I will say this though. Living with the opposite gender is definitely a learning experience. Did you know a black belt and brown shoes don't match? Did you know that some people don't believe the zombie apocalypse is gunna happen? <>

My high, drunk, erratic roommates though make every day a small "happening" though. A good happening.

Trade ya! Lube for glue!

Mario Mural MM

Dicks in boxes?

Youtube

Check out my youtube channel and comment on the videos.

My Channel.

Don't ever go to war Jamaica

Today, while pirating my way through the internet, I found out that Jamaica had attempted a heroic feat! But alas they FAILED.

You see, in 1995 through 1996 Jamaica was running into some smuggling problems. Authorities took one look at Jimmy's airplane (or act) and thought it was part of a smuggling ring. Wikipedia describes the event as such.

"Jamaica Mistaica" is a ballad about an incident in Jamaica on January 16, 1996 in which local authorities mistook Jimmy's seaplane, the Hemisphere Dancer, for a smuggling operation. The plane was shot at while carrying Buffett, U2's Bono, and Island Records producer Chris Blackwell. No one was injured, though there were several bullet holes in the plane^[1]. Desdemona's Building a Rocketship concerns the character Desdemona from Buffett's 1992 novel Where Is Joe Merchant?. The song "False Echoes" (Havana 1921) references the CSS Chickamauga."

Notice how Jamaica failed? That is unacceptable to me.

Now don't get me wrong, Jimmy Buffet was good and edgy at one time, but quite frankly, he sucks folks. Jimmy Buffet is to Music as Branden Fraser is to Movies. For those of you who think the Mummy was a decent movie then let me rephrase: not only are you an idiot for liking the Mummy, but Jimmy Buffet is to music as AIDS is to Porn. No one cares that Jimmy/AIDS was involved in the industry until people started noticing the downsides such as death/sickness. Damn you Jimmy for causing suicides.

Jimmy Buffet has a bad habit of singing about Margaritas and Paradise and the combination of the two in ALL OF HIS FUCKING SONGS. Jimmy, alongside many other musicians, need to find a new outlet for lyrics. Which is reason #398 he must die.

Now as for Jamaica. Jamaica is not a real war, gun-hoe swinging, brawling country. The only heavy weapon they have is probably that one anti aircraft gun they used!

It seems to me that they had been planning this whole "accident" for a while.

So I would like to thank Jamaica for their bravery in 1996. Your attempt has given me renewed hope in the world. But because you failed I am forced to hear Wasted away again in Margaritaville instead of Wasting away forever six feet under in Jamaica the way it should be.

What would Mr. Marley think of his home country?

Important interview

My important interview with a two year old about paranormal activity.

Making a porn video is harder than it sounds!

Through extensive online searching I have decided that my porn name shall be called Dicksmash McIroncock, or Richardsmash McIroncock in more formal settings.

This sparked an Idea for me. I have decided to make a porno. (Very declarative period).

Now, anybody can make a porno, just look at Youporn, a website collection of both professional and mediocre porn, but whenever I do something: It's done well. Unlike a Brenden Fraser film, or the school where Sandra Bullok learned acting.

So I have a few ideas for porn ideas:

#1: Jurassic Park: Cretaceous Parts

18 year old Amber brings her 19 year old friend Bubblez to an old peoples home to volunteer. During the drive Amber admits that she has a thing for "older men" and Bubbelz admits that she might have a thing for them also.

#2: Para-whore-mal Activity: Something is poking me while I sleep

Pretty self explanatory, we've all wanted to wank off during The Exorsist, NOW YOU CAN!

Being dragged down the steps: Kinky, Head spinning around: Sexy, Projectile vomit: Jizzed.

Now the dialogue needs some epic pick up lines to separate themselves from the others. Pick up lines such ass.

"I don't have sex partners, have stab victims."

"You won't give me head, I'll give you blunt force trauma."

etc. Anyways, give it some thought

HAHAHAHA

Yep I'm awesome

Crude humor, beware!!

Most awkward Maine Vote No on 1 Jingle:

*using the "Milkshake" song beat*

My Penis brings all the men to yard

and they're like: 'It's larger than ours'

Damn right you want it in your arse

But I can't till the law is passed

I deeply apologize, very little sleep plus spicy food makes me think like that.

My conversation with God, or myself... I don't know.

Halloween is AWESOME.

Recently I went to a party as a co-workers un-official date (she has a boyfriend) and I was her DD. I sat at the party sipping soda and enjoying a lot of candy, but people were smoking A LOT of pot and the air quickly filled with a heavy white smoke.

After about 5 hours of sitting in a white fog eating various candies, I left, leaving my un-official date in the care of another female co-worker.

As I laid down to sleep I started having extremely odd dreams. One dream I had, I am thoroughly convinced, was a conversation with God. This is my conversation:

"Hello Bradley! I am God" Said God.

"Sup bub. Who are you?"

"God, you know? The Omega"

"Yeah. Not ringing a bell."

"Really? I published a book on parenting, my affair with a woman named Marry, and a fool proof alternative to spanking. I even have a large fan base, hell they even start wars in my name! How do you not know me?"

"I don't know, just not that into pop culture I guess." I said with a shrug.

"Hmm, ok! Maybe you've seen my portrayed in some movies how abo-"

"Do you play Halo?"

"No, lost interest in the series after the third game. I here ODST is shit though."

"Oh sorry I interrupted, as you were saying."

"Oh yeah, have you seen Bruce Almighty?."

"Hells yes!"

"Well, Morgan Freeman played me."

"Oh, THAT God! Cool, cool."

"Ok, now that that is taken care of, w-"

"Wait, I thought you weren't real?"

"What would make you think that?"

"Well.... You did kinda help Brenden Fraser land movie deals, thats enough to make non-believers out of a lot of people."

"Even I make mistakes."

"Well, this was a BIG one G-man."

"I know, I'm sorry I don't know what I was thinking."

"You weren't thinking! THATS your problem."

Sobbing a little: "I said I'm sorry."

"Cut the shit, I don't need excuses I need results."

"Huh?"

"Moving on.."

"So you said you thought I didn't exist?"

"Yeah, and I still don't think you're real."

"What the fuck, I'm right HERE! How am I not real!!!???"

"I don't know man, too much evidence to the contrary..."

"You're really gunna debate my existence with me?"

"Yep, then later I'm gunna have an eating competition with Buddha, arm-wrestle Brahmin, and have a drinking competition with Jesus, but I hear he cheats! Keeps turning his alcohol into water you know..."

"Hmmm."

I stare at him for some time. A long awkward pause stretches out.

God continues: "Well, I do exist, in all my children. You can always seek out my lov- wait.... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"

"I don't know what your talking about?"

"Your making masturbatory gestures..."

"Well.... your boring!"

"Whatever, I don't get paid enough for this shit, I'll see you tomorrow about how your gunna save humanity from the -"

"Yeah whatever G-odd."

"Oh my Christ! I'm out of here, see you tomorrow night..."

He left me then. I don't know what tonight will bring, but hopefully something not so boring..

Web Episodes soon!!!

Yes folks it is true! Webisodes of The Epicness That Is Me will be airing soon, so stay tuned and follow. I apologize for no recent articles, these videos take a lot of planning.

What I learned on the school buses...

Growing up I hadn't taken a bus until I was in 5th grade. I was as innocent as they came, so innocent that it actually pissed people off! Then I started riding the school bus.

I was nervous, I sat up front away from the more aggressive kids. I kept to myself and listened to my country CD's in my portable. Oh yes folks, I was badass in all my Garth Brookes Thunder rolls mayhem. I don't care what you say, I was still more badass than Brenden Fraser in the Mummy series...

Anyways, I learned a lot on the bus, and admit it - you did too! I either learned something or did my first act of something on a bus. Not in chronological order, here they are.

1: Learned what a prostitute was.

2: Had my first kiss.

3: Felt my first boob.

4: Learned about condoms.

5: First fight.

6: Learned about ROCK.

7: Saw my first Porn magazine.

8: Learned about Pokemon....

9: Learned about Marijuana.

10: Learned about Alcohol.

11: Learned that Penis jokes can be made ANYWHERE.

12: Learned about different sex positions.

13: Learned about guns.

14: Was told about cars.

Anyways, we have all learned things on the bus. Name something you don't see on the list:

DOUCHE

I'm naming a new Ben and Jerry's tub and its gunna be called "Black and Blue - Megill Splatter"

Dear World,

Dear World and God by extension,

I would like to register a complaint. Recently I have been using your product Life and I noticed some kinks in it. I'm not mad, I love your products like Megan Fox and Genitalia, some of the best stuff out there! But I notice the more I try to get my Life working I fall on some pretty complicated problems.

For example. I work on it a lot but it appears I am not making any money!? Is this because I bought the College expansion? This is the biggest problem for me and most of your consumers. I'm told in the end - that the expansion will pay off in the long run, but it looks like it will take years to download. Also I picked the Bachelor download method, is that a bad choice?

Also I noticed that on the side of the box of Life you wrote a customer service and trouble shooting number, but the calling hours are inconvenient and the instructions for "asking for assistance" are odd. It's either I call you at night, on my knees, beside my bed. OR I show up at a giant communal home on Sundays, full of gossiping women and angry men to attend a seminar where all they do is recite anecdotes and read out of a book. I attended one of these seminars with my problems, and all they told me was that the owner of World co. would fix it if I just wait. But I don't have time.

Complaint number 3: Sorry if I sound rude but... I notice that there are people in power who don't deserve their position. Like my supervisor at work named Kevin, he's a bit of a perverted ass-nugget, and if he suddenly disappears no one will complain. No one. Really. No one.

So if you can just fix my money problem, speed up my success, and make it easier to search for help, it would really help.

Oh and before I forget, please try to keep Brenden Fraser OFF the camera.

Thank you

Brad Jamison

Way to make training suck batman!

LNT TRAINING

The straight mans review of Brokeback Mountain....

Yes my fellow men, I did something atrocious. I, a straight man, watched Brokeback Mountain, and I shall decree! T'is not that bad! Yet not so great....

For people really interested in watching Brokeback Mountain I will warn you: If you didn't like No country for old Men you will not like this.

The movie starts off slow, like pretty much every other cowboy movie - except in this one you know some ones ass is about to get rode like a bull at a rodeo. The cowboys head to the mountains to do some wrangling of sheep, and soon to wrangle wang. During one of the nights of being a cowboy they share a tent do to bad weather.

Heath's character awakens from what appears to be a nightmare and is quickly calmed down by Jake's character through an aggressive grab, that turns into a kiss, then pants come undone, spit, hump, finish, then a denial of being gay... Being how I have little to no knowledge of the homosexual world, this movie was acting as an ambassador to the lifestyle. After seeing this sex scene I have come to one conclusion about homosexual males: To them, there is no such thing as fore-play. Just meet and hump.

Then both characters go back to normal life where they meet and wed women, have kids, and think about each other.

Some years later they meet up and decide to go "fishing" and bar hopping, which you later find out means grabbing each other tackle and literally hopping on each others bars. Heath's characters wife spots these two doing their fighting style kissing fest before they continue onto go fishing.

As a ploy to discover if they are really fishing and not going at it like a Youporn ad, Heath's characters wife write a note on his fishing pole to bring back some fish. On the way out the door he almost forgets his fishing poll, and his wife has to remind him to take it. But as a viewer, you know thats not the rod he wants to play with, he already has his poll, its just not packed yet, you follow?

The movie continues on like this for about another hour.

I won't lie, the movie was not a scary gay film like most straight men think. If you can sit down and watch the Notebook with your girlfriend or date, you can survive seeing this. I saw it and the only reason I didn't like it was because the whole thing wasn't relatable for me. Not gunna call it a "Must see", but it's not an "Avoid at all cost". Any straight man with confidence in sexuality will live!

Alas, I give this movie a rating of Worst Porno Ever.

Heath Ledger spoke like Boomhower from King of the Hill.

Jake Gyllenhaal grew a pedo-stache

You do get to see Anne Hathaway's boobs though..

No real time reference

Decent amount of ass kicking

Explanation could've been needed in some scenes

SURPRISE!!!!

I think these rednecks are onto something.

Just the other day I posted this as my Facebook status:

If you live in the city, and paint your car Urban-camouflage. Can you get lower insurance costs because you have a new high end anti-theft deterrent?

It's a decent argument. In places with high theft rates having a cammo'd up car not only presents itself as Horrifically undesirable, but practically INVISIBLE!! Maybe those rednecks out there with camouflage on their cars are onto something. Should they start saving money on their insurance because their car is camouflaged?

Think about this first though: Do we really wanna give discounts to rednecks? If we let them save another -lets say- 50/75 dollars a month extra on their insurance America would quickly run out of beer, ammo sales would sky rocket to the point of almost $10 a bullet, and the deer population will go extinct.

I can also honestly say, with all the conviction in my heart, that red-necks will go crazy with the cammo and we will see the start of popularity of "theGhillie Vehicle". The ugliest vehicle you will ever see.

Yes, this on a Car

After firmly planting an image of invisible vehicles into your head, which I am happy I made you picture something invisible, you also need to remind yourself that this COULD backfire. With your vehicle being so transparent you would be running the risk of getting into accidents easier. If people can hit other cars that have stalled in the middle of the road at night, you could also hit someone's cammo'd vehicle pulling their house with just as much ease.

So please, think of the campers people are leaving in, don't give cammo discounts to rednecks.

My everyday conversations

Click on it to enlarge

Would YOU hire a Vampire?

A couple days ago I was walking through the mall (First time in about a year) and noticed some very pasty white kids wearing all black, jet black hair, and chains run-a-mok. Oddly enough I noticed that they were all filling out applications to various open jobs. Not jobs like "Hot Topic" or "Goths 'r Us", but like "JC Penny" or "Sears".

Using my limited knowledge into what kids are into, I decided - quite arbitrarily - that these kids were goths. To be even more correct, since the release of Twilight, the correct term would be "VAMPIRE".

I pondered all night about the new fad. I wondered things like: What's so cool about being a blood sucker? Why do you wanna be "prep-evil"? How did vampires get to the mall around 2 in the afternoon? When did vampires start glittering in the sun? and finally: WOULD YOU HIRE A VAMPIRE?

Most of us can attest, night slots pay more, but most businesses interview during the day. Most employers don't hire glittering employees or bowls of ash. If your a vampire, this already presents a huge problem, but not completely unachievable. I just hope you like working at gas stations.

The second point I would like to make is this: I thought the point of selling your soul to the devil was to be FREE at the cost of being a murderer? Why would you need a job if you are a real vampire? Dracula never had to work at the local 7/11 to pay for his mansion. Cause he was a REAL, badass, horrific, vampire.

So I would like to conclude, unless the store sells halloween merchandise or is a Hot Topic you are probably not going to get hired. People don't like your fad, nor do they like you. Vampires aren't real and you

MUST WATCH THE LOST BOYS MOVIE.

If you want to read a story on just how hard it is to be a working class vampire in this blue collar economy click HERE

Hells Yeah Batman, work does suck

He... Broke up with me?

Recently I was asked to do a comedy bit in support of gay marriage. I agreed because of my own personal choice. I had to target my audiences sense of humor, and my audience was the gay community!

So I decided to joke about my ignorance of the homosexual world. One way of joking is imagining, for me, what their break up is like. Even better! I'll write a break-up letter! Or even better! What if my very own male roommate was gay and I didn't even know it!:

"Dear Brad,

Lately, it feels as though you've been riding my ass. It's as if every time I look at you a growing, throbbing tension spreads between us.

Every time I approach you with this issue, you turn your back to me in anticipation. I always thought that we would be more open by now!

What happened to us? One moment we were getting along great, then we moved in with each other and you wanted separate rooms!? You even started locking the bathroom door when you showered! How are you going to get lathered properly without me?

Even with the distance between us, I can feel you PENETRATING my soul. I'm as confused by this as a boy scout in the male locker room. Such good memories. But alas, the memories apparently mean nothing.

When you read this, I'll already be in San Francisco. Enjoy the apartment alone. We are THROUGH!!

Love Berny"

Why do people argue with employees?

This blog isn't the only thing I do to spread my all knowing wisdom. I happen to run some pod-casts online for some of my friends. So on that note:

I recently made a pod-cast about how Gay Marriage should be legal. I mentioned certain issues and arbitrarily mentioned that churches aren't letting their followers find their own path. Not exactly an over-statement considering how I'm from a small town called Hermon which is governed by the local church, the largest building smack dab in the middle.

I had my friend air it (He aired an opposing one to be fair). The website is a very common forum and most of the highschool students in Hermon like to go to it when bored because they can see their once seniors airing their opinions.

One of the highschools students had showed their parents my argument. The parent had apparently seen me around, working at the local grocery store, and decided that he would look for me whenever he was in there to give HIS two cents. Apparently his child had not showed him the other video...

One day I was in Danforths parking lot around 8:00Pm chilling with a co-worker before I was going to hop in my car and leave. A large truck appeared and a disgruntled man hopped out pointing at me. The conversation went something like this:

"You boy, you that atheist on the web? "

"No Sir, I'm Pastafarian" I said with a straight face, I deal with this shit all the time working security, so I was ready.

"Great now your a pot-head"

"Can't prove it!"

"Fuckin, 'splanes why your a fag lover." Legit, this is how he spoke.

"Wo, wo, wo..... Wo, what are you talking about?" I was actually confuse.

"I saw yer web cast, and I thought I'd tell you that gay is wrong!"

"Ok, thats irrational. Did you stalk me?"

"No..."

"Do you have feelings for me?" I was pushing it here, but the person I was chilling with is a GIANT. I was quite safe.

"Listen, I'mma -"

"Ok, I really don't have time for this redneck bullshit. Bye."

"Fuck you I aint no redneck." Illustrating his intelligence so beautifully. "I'll have you know, I live in a two story house and run a puppy mill-"

"I didn't know they stacked double-wides? And don't tell me about you wife's fetishes. Bye."

You can safely assume I spent the night at the giants house. The guy was over-all harmless and didn't make an attempt to follow us.

Applying online, apparently reading a PDF is more convenient than reading paper...

Dear god, looking for a new job is hard. The economy is no longer an excuse though. True people are still being laid-off and people are holding onto their jobs religiously, but there are plenty of low income jobs out there for the younger work-force. Which it baffles me how so many kids/people from my generation do not have jobs: do to either refusal to work, excuses on the economy, or college (the more acceptable excuse).

Businesses aren't making them any easier though. Have you ever tried to apply online? Applying online is the hardest, most pain-staking thing you can do. True, it is convenient that you can go online after working ALL DAY, and just sit down and do applications before you go to bed, but be honest with yourself, you do this so that your spouse/significant other/ or mother will get off your back until you CAN go out and fill out paper applications. At least, that has been the most prominent reason around Maine.

Now I am not bashing a "futuristic" way of filling out applications or submitting resumes, but what ever happened to the all reliable e-mail? Online applications have a habit of freezing, losing files/documents, taking too long, or requiring computer components that some people do not have or can afford. Not only that, but they lack in a way of communication. Online applications are almost, in an abstract way, a poor Public Relations move on some businesses half. No communication almost asserts the belief that the employee is nothing more than a number, slave, a person of un-importance to a company.

This is not some spontaneous rant. Recently I have been looking for a job that pays more than minimal wage. Resort to my first paragraph that I said: (paraphrasing) Low income jobs are more readily available. I understood before hand that finding a better paying job will be hard, even one that pays $9 an hour will be hard to find. But! If Brenden Fraser can keep popping into movies and make money, someone SOMEWHERE will be willing to hire me for a little more money.

I have been trying these online applications, and all I can say is that they are "bull-shit". Simply put (again) these online applications are just filler until you can get out and fill in a paper one.

My advice for anyone looking for a new job: go outside and look, online won't do anything more than show you your facebook updates.

Waitressing sucks

I'm a Vigilante

Thats right folks, I'm a hero.

Recently I was outside work talking to a fellow co-worker and enjoying a cigarello. I'm not a smoker, but he was, and I happened to find cigarellos in my car, I have them for poker nights.

As he was smoking and I was "Smoking", a highschool boy clearly too young to even think of smoking! Approached me and my co-worker. He asked if I would buy him some "Cigs", slang for cigarettes, and handed me 10 dollars. Looking at my co-worker I got an idea and took his money, then headed into the store.

I went inside, bought the most colorful package of Marlboros and walked outside opening the package. I handed the young male his left-over money and pulled a cigarette out and lit it right in front of him..

"Dude, the cigarettes?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh no, I'm not giving em to ya." I said, returning his raised eyebrow.

At this point the young male looked confused and angrily expressed that he was gunna "get me" for making a fool of him.

I, in a very polite fashion said: "Like what? You gunna tell the cops I stole your under-age "cigs", or do you really want your ass beat?" I would never hit a young-en, but I hope the statement would invoke fear in the boy, and it did.

The boy walked away and I was left with some cigarettes. Problem is, I don't "really" smoke.... Did I mention he cried?

Every now and then I meet someone with a substantially smaller IQ than me...

Cashiering, not a horrible job if you do it at an enjoyable place. I have decided to make a vague list of the types of people I meet.

1: The infected: People who are sick and decide to cough themselves to death just to grab some meaningless grocery. #1 Reason employees at any workplace become sick.

2: Slackers: People who don't have a job, don't plan on getting one, and revel in the fact that they are spending a damn good 20% of my check with their EBT cards. They don't eat healthy, usually always smoke, and at times will buy a 70 dollar bottle of liquor with their own money...

3: Business men/women: These people have either never had a minimal wage job, or have and just don't care about their roots. You will almost never be greeted by these assholes, and if you are greeted then relish in it cause god knows how long until your acknowledged again.

4: Mom/Dad and children: My seventh layer of hell, right next to sharing a small room with Brenden Frasier. Everybody has been in a store and had a baby squeal its little head off while the parents don't do anything about it.

5: Idiots: They have only to say one thing and your head will explode while trying to fathom how that person came to such an asinine conclusion. Your lucky if you get the one idiot that keeps their mouth shut and just leers at you until you answer them.

I warn people when I get a thought

Recently at work I have given every employee a warning: Do not introduce me to any attractive female relatives or I WILL use corny pickup lines that WILL work! Beware.

Continuing on with my story. I was talking about this humorous film I wanna produce to a fellow, higher up employee. She offered me her niece as an actor, AFTER I had warned everyone of my "Horn-doggedness".

She gave me her nieces Facebook info and told her I was going to get into touch with her asap about the film. I got onto Facebook earlier that night and started a conversation with said niece, her name being Jessica. I tried to keep myself composed and appropriate, meaning: DON'T HIT ON HER!! Alas Facebook permeated my mind, as many of my readers know: Facebook means that you not only engage the person in conversation - but you also can look at pictures... And pictures I looked.

Lets back track some more, previous to all this Cindy (The employee I warned) had told me that while we were have a "post on wall" war between each other, her niece had seen my profile picture and thought I was quote: "Hotty". So I pretty much already had an in, alas I digress.

She was pretty damn attractive. The story could end there, but where would you realize I am epic.

I started talking about the movie Zombieland and how I got sick from pure laughter. She pronounced that she was dying to see it.

Cleverly I told her that if she needed to see it she should find someone who had already seen it, and nearly got sick from laughter. After locating that person she should ask him/her if they wanted to go see it again. Then she asked me to go see it with her.

Short but purely epic.

Odd names for merchandise

When Your Baby Give It Their All, You Know You Have Given Birth To A Soldier.

Never before have I ever encountered a baby that I've felt so compelled to salute that I've nearly cried. A couple days ago; I met that baby, and one day we will all follow him throughout the period of time called the 'Zombie Apocalypse'.

How did I meet said baby? Let me tell you a story of one youngsters troubles and one young adults realization of someone's destiny.

I was working at my local grocery store one night, working the graveyard shift. I hate night shifts. Who the fuck needs milk at 8:45 at night? I ask myself, then through the door walks the answer to my quandary in all his/her's wife beater glory. Alas, I stray.

I was stocking the shelves while simultaneously doing my managers job, we've all been there. All of a sudden I hear crying coming from on end of the store. This isn't the first time I've heard crying in my store, I remember once: this vegan family came in and their children (who have never seen meat, or anything dead before) started to cry uncontrollably at the realization that at one time every delicious animal in our display case had a mediocre life. Once again I digress.

I casually decide that it is my time to take a piss for about, lets say 20 minutes.

On my way to my sit and nap I came across the crying child in the arms of his very attractive mother. Approaching said attractive mother I inquire as to what she is actually looking for. I believe our conversation went something like:

"Hey babe, why you looking at diapers and not at fancy menu's with me?"

"Oh Gosh I don't Know! Take me now while my top is so incredibly loose. My child will crawl away and I don't care!"

While my mind was envisioning what I would of like to of happened I couldn't help noticing the hysteric baby crying in her arms.

His mother was talking away about the type of toilet paper she most enjoys buying, all the while her young son (two years at least) was looking at ME and crying. As if I was the one causing such apocalyptic horror in his eyes.

As I watched the baby cry I watched him progress through stages.

At first he was going about his job of mass producing tears while looking at me as if I was going to reach out to him and help him.

Then, for one beautiful moment, he stopped. He had a look of panic. I like to think that this was his thought during such a small amount of time: Damnit, nothings working! I gave it my all, now what?

Then he looked quite resolute. A plan has been made. Execution of plan in 1,2,3...

He puffed up in his off-white "onesy" like an inadequate air-bag, and let out a scream mixed with the tears of a thousand souls.

The mother looked damn near unfazed, but I could no longer hold my laughter. I ran to the front of the store and into my office where I laughed until I cried. All the while I knew... That baby will lead us to greatness one day.

People like to kick my ass?

I work security for the local auditorium in my hometown. The odd part about this job for me is... I'm not a big guy! I weigh about 140 lbs and 5'6" if I eat my Wheaties in the morning. I have all the intimidation of a carebear but with the spunk of a wolverine.

Alas, I am charged with the over-all safety of.. Well.. Everyone. It's like watching Peter Parker trying to save the world without his Spiderman powers, or kick ass suit.

Shit happens though and I get hurt. Hurt a lot. Like punched in the face, tackled, spit on, yelled at, and sometimes I get the occasional knife pulled on me.

I love my job though. Even though one day I was charged with watching the beer line at some country concert. I was particularly worried about this one grizzly of a man I nicknamed "Thunder". He was beyond drunk, he was in a state of being that most people in Maine call "gone". While I was watching him, alternating his eye sight from the wall to me, an elderly lady approached me inquiring where the restrooms were. Being the dashing young man I like to think I am I not only told her but POINTED also. On my way back to turning around to watch the line, I was presented with a glorious present aimed at my fore-head. "Thunder" had punched me with all the five fingered glory of the old gods in Caribou.

The only thought that went through my mind was: I thought you were a good person.

Shamelessly said I blacked out. I woke up to feeling half my head lighter than the next, a pounding headache, and a sore ass.

Summing up all the paper work and potential lawsuits. I settled for a $300 grievance package on top of my paycheck. I never did get around to meeting with him for his verbal apology.

HOLY shit! Don't you see I have things to do?

I work at a local grocery store in my neighboring town.

I love my job and like a good majority of people I work with... BUT frequently I am forced to endure some of the most HORRIBLE people alive. Such as:

Bring their own bags people...

Ok, at my store you can bring in your own cloth bags and save 3 cents per bag. You can save a decent amount of money over a long span of time buying groceries and putting them in your own bags. Any bag will do: backpacks, old purses, suit cases, and even cheap bags you can buy anywhere!

Problem: When you start putting items on the belt, my first reaction is to start putting them into plastic bags. Piece of advice? DON'T WAIT TILL ALL PLASTIC BAGS ARE FILLED TO GIVE ME YOUR CLOTH BAGS! Please put your bags FIRST before you start giving the cashier your items so that they don't spend 10 minutes fishing your items out of the plastic bags and transferring them into your old backpacks.

I would like to save nature just as much as you and thanks for not using plastic, but meet me half-way here.

Paper-bags....

Ok, paper-bags are extremely strong. MUCH stronger than plastic. Some older generations only use paper-bags out of tradition.

Problem: Beside the fact that paper-bags attract WAY to many old people, I would like to say: GO GREEN PEOPLE. If you use paper-bags don't bitch about weather changes or how self-ish the new generation is. Plus, paper-bags are a bitch to put items into.

Possibly to be continued..

What is my epicness?

Hello, my name is Brad.

I work some interesting jobs.

I believe that the environments that we are forced to survive in dictate who we are. Oddly, my work environments have made me into a very humorous individual with tons of stories. Most of my jobs require me to interact with many a strange folk. In this blog I plan to talk about all my "odd" on the job moments.