Don't ever go to war Jamaica

Today, while pirating my way through the internet, I found out that Jamaica had attempted a heroic feat! But alas they FAILED.

You see, in 1995 through 1996 Jamaica was running into some smuggling problems. Authorities took one look at Jimmy's airplane (or act) and thought it was part of a smuggling ring. Wikipedia describes the event as such.

"Jamaica Mistaica" is a ballad about an incident in Jamaica on January 16, 1996 in which local authorities mistook Jimmy's seaplane, the Hemisphere Dancer, for a smuggling operation. The plane was shot at while carrying Buffett, U2's Bono, and Island Records producer Chris Blackwell. No one was injured, though there were several bullet holes in the plane^[1]. Desdemona's Building a Rocketship concerns the character Desdemona from Buffett's 1992 novel Where Is Joe Merchant?. The song "False Echoes" (Havana 1921) references the CSS Chickamauga."

Notice how Jamaica failed? That is unacceptable to me.

Now don't get me wrong, Jimmy Buffet was good and edgy at one time, but quite frankly, he sucks folks. Jimmy Buffet is to Music as Branden Fraser is to Movies. For those of you who think the Mummy was a decent movie then let me rephrase: not only are you an idiot for liking the Mummy, but Jimmy Buffet is to music as AIDS is to Porn. No one cares that Jimmy/AIDS was involved in the industry until people started noticing the downsides such as death/sickness. Damn you Jimmy for causing suicides.

Jimmy Buffet has a bad habit of singing about Margaritas and Paradise and the combination of the two in ALL OF HIS FUCKING SONGS. Jimmy, alongside many other musicians, need to find a new outlet for lyrics. Which is reason #398 he must die.

Now as for Jamaica. Jamaica is not a real war, gun-hoe swinging, brawling country. The only heavy weapon they have is probably that one anti aircraft gun they used!

It seems to me that they had been planning this whole "accident" for a while.

So I would like to thank Jamaica for their bravery in 1996. Your attempt has given me renewed hope in the world. But because you failed I am forced to hear Wasted away again in Margaritaville instead of Wasting away forever six feet under in Jamaica the way it should be.

What would Mr. Marley think of his home country?

Important interview

My important interview with a two year old about paranormal activity.

Making a porn video is harder than it sounds!

Through extensive online searching I have decided that my porn name shall be called Dicksmash McIroncock, or Richardsmash McIroncock in more formal settings.

This sparked an Idea for me. I have decided to make a porno. (Very declarative period).

Now, anybody can make a porno, just look at Youporn, a website collection of both professional and mediocre porn, but whenever I do something: It's done well. Unlike a Brenden Fraser film, or the school where Sandra Bullok learned acting.

So I have a few ideas for porn ideas:

#1: Jurassic Park: Cretaceous Parts

18 year old Amber brings her 19 year old friend Bubblez to an old peoples home to volunteer. During the drive Amber admits that she has a thing for "older men" and Bubbelz admits that she might have a thing for them also.

#2: Para-whore-mal Activity: Something is poking me while I sleep

Pretty self explanatory, we've all wanted to wank off during The Exorsist, NOW YOU CAN!

Being dragged down the steps: Kinky, Head spinning around: Sexy, Projectile vomit: Jizzed.

Now the dialogue needs some epic pick up lines to separate themselves from the others. Pick up lines such ass.

"I don't have sex partners, have stab victims."

"You won't give me head, I'll give you blunt force trauma."

etc. Anyways, give it some thought

HAHAHAHA

Yep I'm awesome

Crude humor, beware!!

Most awkward Maine Vote No on 1 Jingle:

*using the "Milkshake" song beat*

My Penis brings all the men to yard

and they're like: 'It's larger than ours'

Damn right you want it in your arse

But I can't till the law is passed

I deeply apologize, very little sleep plus spicy food makes me think like that.

My conversation with God, or myself... I don't know.

Halloween is AWESOME.

Recently I went to a party as a co-workers un-official date (she has a boyfriend) and I was her DD. I sat at the party sipping soda and enjoying a lot of candy, but people were smoking A LOT of pot and the air quickly filled with a heavy white smoke.

After about 5 hours of sitting in a white fog eating various candies, I left, leaving my un-official date in the care of another female co-worker.

As I laid down to sleep I started having extremely odd dreams. One dream I had, I am thoroughly convinced, was a conversation with God. This is my conversation:

"Hello Bradley! I am God" Said God.

"Sup bub. Who are you?"

"God, you know? The Omega"

"Yeah. Not ringing a bell."

"Really? I published a book on parenting, my affair with a woman named Marry, and a fool proof alternative to spanking. I even have a large fan base, hell they even start wars in my name! How do you not know me?"

"I don't know, just not that into pop culture I guess." I said with a shrug.

"Hmm, ok! Maybe you've seen my portrayed in some movies how abo-"

"Do you play Halo?"

"No, lost interest in the series after the third game. I here ODST is shit though."

"Oh sorry I interrupted, as you were saying."

"Oh yeah, have you seen Bruce Almighty?."

"Hells yes!"

"Well, Morgan Freeman played me."

"Oh, THAT God! Cool, cool."

"Ok, now that that is taken care of, w-"

"Wait, I thought you weren't real?"

"What would make you think that?"

"Well.... You did kinda help Brenden Fraser land movie deals, thats enough to make non-believers out of a lot of people."

"Even I make mistakes."

"Well, this was a BIG one G-man."

"I know, I'm sorry I don't know what I was thinking."

"You weren't thinking! THATS your problem."

Sobbing a little: "I said I'm sorry."

"Cut the shit, I don't need excuses I need results."

"Huh?"

"Moving on.."

"So you said you thought I didn't exist?"

"Yeah, and I still don't think you're real."

"What the fuck, I'm right HERE! How am I not real!!!???"

"I don't know man, too much evidence to the contrary..."

"You're really gunna debate my existence with me?"

"Yep, then later I'm gunna have an eating competition with Buddha, arm-wrestle Brahmin, and have a drinking competition with Jesus, but I hear he cheats! Keeps turning his alcohol into water you know..."

"Hmmm."

I stare at him for some time. A long awkward pause stretches out.

God continues: "Well, I do exist, in all my children. You can always seek out my lov- wait.... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"

"I don't know what your talking about?"

"Your making masturbatory gestures..."

"Well.... your boring!"

"Whatever, I don't get paid enough for this shit, I'll see you tomorrow about how your gunna save humanity from the -"

"Yeah whatever G-odd."

"Oh my Christ! I'm out of here, see you tomorrow night..."

He left me then. I don't know what tonight will bring, but hopefully something not so boring..